My Year in Weight Loss

On December 16, 2021, my husband and I began calorie counting for weight loss. He had been losing weight without it to that point, but to get to the next level of his weight loss journey, more was required. I didn't necessarily need to lose weight, but I wanted to see if I could. And I wanted to see what my body might be like if I lost ten pounds. 

I've never been able to lose weight on any diet I've tried throughout the years. At 5 foot 4, I was around 150 pounds throughout high school and only ever got as low as 145 in college. With very little muscle mass, because my main hobbies were reading books, playing the flute and watching TV (sports were a thing to be avoided at all costs). In the years following college, I stopped weighing myself, but I continued to be sedentary and ate a typical American diet consisting largely of fast food. 

When I first started to run, in my late 20's, I did lose some weight. But that only lasted when I was running 6 days out of 7 most weeks. Once I got a new job, the running schedule changed and I started trying other forms of exercise at the gym I got access to via that job. My weight, once I started measuring it again, was once again fluctuating between 145 and 155. CrossFit likewise didn't have much impact on my weight - except the year that I was training for a Spartan Race - I bulked up to 160, but I didn't care because I kicked that Spartan Race's butt. 

I did get down close to 140 during a CrossFit nutrition challenge, but I don't really count that, because it was a month of low carb and the weight just came back. So, I didn't really expect calorie counting to work for me. I had a deeply ingrained belief that my body just didn't want to lose weight so it didn't. 

We used the internet to find sources that would estimate our calorie expenditure based on activity level, and each picked a target daily calorie total. I ended up with 1500 calories per day, which I expanded to 1800 to 2000 if I did CrossFit or ran. I got Ambrose signed up to take a resting metabolic rate test to determine scientifically how many calories he should be eating each day to go into a deficit for weight loss. He found the experience so enlightening that he insisted that I sign up as well. My results lined up well with the totals I'd chosen, so I stuck with that, but added more protein into my CrossFit routine on the advice of the test administrator. 

At first, there wasn't a lot of movement on the scale. I even gained weight, though I've learned over the years that I tend to gain about 5 pounds while I'm on my period, which then goes away with as little effort as it came. But slowly, slowly, the numbers trended down. I hit 145, and I kept expecting a plateau. Although there were runs of higher weights on occasion, again and again, the lows kept getting lower. And the highs kept getting lower! 

On December 16, 2021, I weighed in at 149.4 pounds. 

On December 16, 2022, I weighed in at 133.6 pounds. 

I lost 15.8 pounds in a year, and I'm ecstatic. It was slow, but I feel like that just makes it more likely that it will stay off. I'm not done yet. I'm curious where I'll end up staying with this calorie regime (definitely not planning on lowering it no matter what). I'm kind of looking forward to trying to add muscle at some point, regaining a bit of weight for more strength. 

My diet is now largely defined by trying to accommodate my IBS, but I think the exclusions I ended up making over the course of the year helped me with this weight loss. I tried to eat foods with pronounceable ingredients and to avoid "natural flavoring" in ingredients lists. Part way through the year, I stopped eating yeast, which meant no more bread (no more toast!). And then I stopped eating yogurt, because it can have yeast. I miss both bread and yogurt, but the yeast exclusion makes me feel better. 

In addition, Ambrose and I stopped eating fast food and drastically reduced our consumption of any restaurant food. We no longer drink alcohol, another big calorie source. We did have cheat days, here and there, and we also ate much more while backpacking. Pretty much all rules were off for backpacking, and the first full meal after the trip. That means an at home, eat as much as you want meal, not a snack in the car on the drive home (nor a restaurant, because we avoid those largely due to sodium concerns). 

I'm amazed that this worked. That I fit in a size 4 dress in September. It gives me confidence that I can get my first bar muscle up at the age of 40. Yesterday, I hung from a bar by my hands for 2 minutes, unbroken, and then did 2 sets of 4 pullups. CrossFit and running both played a role in my weight loss as well. I'll admit, I was also sometimes motivated to work out because I wanted to be able to eat more. I don't know that calorie counting would have worked at any other point in my life. This was the right time for me, and I'm so glad I tried. 

Weight Update

Overall, I'm happy with where I'm at. 

I expected not to lose as much weight over the backpacking season, and possibly even gain some. Instead, I did keep losing, to an extent. I kept dipping into the 130's, even if I'd had a bump up to the 140's over a trip. I just needed to reassert my normal routines and in about a week, I'd be back under 140. 

Now, I just need to keep reminding myself of that, because my body is being all weird after the Chicago trip. I half expected to gain on that trip, because of the break in routine and unfamiliar foods. What happened was weirder. The day after we got back, Sunday, I weighed in at 136.6 pounds. Amazing! The next day, 140.6 - what?

I've also been very tired so it's hard to get back onto my routines. I ended up both going to CrossFit and running yesterday, and that led to me not going to CrossFit this morning, because I woke up so sore and tired. But that's what it's like for me. I can go to CrossFit every day, but it hurts until I get back into the routine of it. 

I'll still ride my bike to work today for exercise, and probably stop by the pull up bars that can be on my way. I am still getting pullups done at this weight, so that's pretty awesome. I'm not just losing weight, I'm building some muscle. And I carry my weight a lot differently than I used to. 

I am very pleased that I wore a well-fitted size 4 dress to my dad's wedding. I feel like I looked amazing in that dress, and I couldn't have fit in it if I were bigger. But it's not about being big or small right now. I want to be strong and fit more than I want to be small. 

Dieting Is Weird

On the one hand, I'm not happy that my body decided to retain nearly 4 pounds of weight, somehow, between Monday and Tuesday. Not only that, but my weight bumped up above 150 for the first time since January 2nd. In January, I thought I had this calorie counting thing worked out. I thought this was going to be a relatively smooth thing. 

But I also knew that my weight loss for January was more than I should have gotten in that time period. I was prepared for some backsliding. And I'm almost certain that this bump is a blip. 

And there is another hand here - at least I'm able to show Ambrose that he's not the only one that can perform that kind of awful magic trick. That is, making several pounds of weight appear overnight without any discernable effort or rhyme or reason. I have been feeling pretty ill, so it's possible that is related. Especially because I haven't been getting my exercise in. 

I also haven't been eating as well as I should. I'm finding it harder to eat lately. I think that's from being moody due to being on my period, and I hope it clears up as the period leaves. This past weekend I kept forgetting to eat and then I'd start feeling really bad and not want to eat at all. I do a lot better with a routine when it comes to my food. 

I do think that this weight bump will pass. I do believe that I will be able to make this work and that I can get down to 140 before backpacking season. It's just going to take a lot of work and a steady effort. It takes ignoring these bumps instead of leaning into the doom and gloom they invite me to wallow in. It takes focusing on what I'm doing right and staying healthy. I'm not going to focus on weight this week. Instead, I'm going to focus on staying healthy and getting my exercise on. 

Tummy Troubles

I didn't want to see someone new for my annual wellness exam, but my regular person was out on leave when I was supposed to get it done. So, new person to explain my diet to, knowing that they won't be able to help anymore than anyone else. I've reached a point of just experimenting with foods slowly and I know I'm not getting enough vegetables in my life, but the fiber still triggers gastroparesis pains/issues. 

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. This new person wasn't all that interested in me, and I didn't have to explain too much. Just that I'm doing the best that I can and exercising a lot and I'll just have to wait and see if my numbers are looking okay from the bloodwork. At this point, I'm assuming that they do look okay, because I have not been called back for a follow up, and they're usually pretty quick about that. 

I've been in a bit of an IBS flare for a couple weeks now. I can't seem to get out of it. My bowels are still moving, but I'm getting mucous coming out and hard stools. Plus nausea and gas and general tummy pain. The usual. 

I know that anxiety over the state of the world is contributing to the tummy issues. I need to figure out a way not to let that stress affect my tummy. Because I don't want anxiety to make my tummy hurt, which then makes me more anxious, which then makes my tummy hurt more etc... 

Maybe retreating to a cave for the next ten years would do the trick...

Since I can't do that (yet), I'm going to focus on what I can control. I will get my solo book written and published. I will exercise: CrossFit goal is 5 times a week, running goal is 3 times a week (1 can be a run/walk as long as there's elevation gain), and I decided to do Power Abs again for the month of November. I will do my job at work and keep getting paid. I might even write another book that's been percolating in my head since August - but solo first. Only got about 1000 words over last weekend. This weekend needs to be better. 

And it will be. 

Write on Time

I finished up my first draft of this year's solo book right on time over the weekend. My husband is taking on the duty of first reader and going over it for typos and places that could use some extra attention, whether that attention be the machete or some polishing.

I'm happy with what I wrote, and I'm also happy to have gotten to relive some of those moments from over the summer. The ending of the trip wasn't what I'd planned, but there were so many incredible moments. I had a chance to hang out with rafters from across the country. I pushed myself hard on a difficult trail. I hiked through rain and camped alone in a thunderstorm.

And next year I'm going to do it all again! Well, sort of. While the original plan was to hike all the way through to the Magruder Corridor, I discovered when we drove out there that there aren't really services out there. Once I got off the trail, we'd have a four hour drive down to a real road, then another half hour or so to a tiny city. But, if I started hiking from the Magruder Corridor, then I could come out at Big Creek and get myself another $8 shower within an hour of leaving the trail.

Plus, there's a part of the trail where the elevation changes about 5000 feet in about 4 miles. Northbound, I would be climbing that. Southbound, I would be descending. Now, I like climbing and all, but that's a lot. And the trail is no longer maintained. So I'd rather hit it on the downhill when I'm fresh than on the uphill at the end of my journey. Especially since I'd need to haul water up with me.

So next year I'll be doing a southbound segment from the Magruder Corridor to Big Creek. That will get me to about 420 miles of the Idaho Centennial Trail completed; nearly halfway.

But for the rest of this week, and pretty much until I'm done with publishing, I've got to focus on the other part of the solo book. The pictures! And the formatting. And the cover. And the back cover copy. And all the other little joyful minutiae of self publishing. I actually do like these parts, but they can be fiddly. Especially considering I typically only do it once a year so I need to remind myself how to do things.

Getting Over It

When I was in junior high, I got bullied by my brother. He was being bullied at high school, and, being a teenager, didn't handle it very well. He passed his anger to me, and I turned that anger and the taunts inward. I accepted that I would never be athletic, and that trying to change that was pointless.
Even when I did Tae Kwon Do for a while, I knew I wasn't an athlete. I could memorize forms alright, but when it came to actually doing things, I fell short. 

In college, I explored some athletic things, but I always held myself back. I always believed that I couldn't run, couldn't get much stronger. That wasn't me. I scorned runners while secretly admiring that thing they could do that I knew I couldn't. 

When I did start running, and then backpacking, I began to get a new understanding of myself. Not quite an athlete, perhaps, but athletic. I could move my body and what it needed to survive across miles of mountains, through forests and across streams. What I looked like to others didn't matter, because I could DO these things. 

For several years, I lived within half a mile of a CrossFit box. I would drive by, even walk by, but I never got the nerve up to go in. I blamed the fact that the website didn't have any pricing information, but the real reason was that I was scared. I believed that I didn't belong there. 

After a move across town, another CrossFit box opened near my new location, within a quarter of a mile. As if the universe were giving me a hint, pushing me closer to a kind of exercise that I imagined was far beyond my reach. 

Just to get my foot in the door at Arbor CrossFit, I've had to overcome a harsher critic than anyone external can ever be. To convince myself that I was worthwhile, able, took years. So if anyone there were to imply or outright state that I didn't belong, I would shrug it off. Maybe even laugh and agree and keep on doing my work. Because I've already stepped over a much higher barrier than anyone else could ever generate.

There's nothing anyone else could tell me that I didn't tell myself for years. Not good enough, doesn't belong, not an athlete. I don't think anyone would, but if someone did try to tell me any of those things, I might cry. But I'd also burn with a desire to prove them wrong. I proved myself wrong, after all.

I haven't done much writing lately. Fiction writing, that is. I wrote a few stories, then did some submissions, and then stopped when the rejections came back. Because there is this voice inside me that tells me that I'm not good enough. That my writing doesn't work. That I'm never going to sell a story anyway, so why bother?

Writing has been something that I've been "good" at. To get to the point where I'm writing and submitting stories hasn't been the same kind of difficult journey that exercise has been for me. Writing was my escape from everything when I was in high school. I'm well practiced at it, and yet, I meet with "failure" again and again and can't seem to get myself in the mindset of working past it.

Sure, I've self published a number of stories, and I'm rather proud of my nonfiction offerings. But I'm not getting into a habit of writing fiction, which is the only way to really improve (practice). When I recently articulated to a friend the way I feel about my athleticism, I realized that I need to put that same kind of doggedness into my fiction writing. I have it in me to ignore the critical and just enjoy the workout.

Time to do the same for stories.

Becoming an Athletic Type

I think the last time I went shoe shopping was more than four years ago. About that time, I found a pair of shoes that worked for me. The Merrell Pace Glove. It fit perfectly, required no break in period, and had plenty of room for the wide spread of the toes of my right foot.

I originally bought them from REI, but then I started buying online, because I knew the shoe I wanted. Whenever a pair wore out, I'd buy another. Same size, same style. Color was irrelevant, which is how I ended up with a lime green pair with purple trim. But mostly I had black ones.

They upgraded the style once, from a 2 to a 3 or something. And I didn't like the changes, but they weren't significant enough to stop me from buying them. Wearing them. Wearing them out.

But this time, when they wore out, I discovered something awful.

Merrell had stopped making that style.

I know women are supposed to enjoy shoe shopping, but my feet have always been an awkward fit. So I have always hated it. And shopping for athletic shoes was a special torture. I consistently felt like I did not belong in specialty shoe stores. I would get nervous and upset and sweat a lot. I'd feel awful that the shoes wouldn't fit and it wasn't unusual for a trip to end in tears.

So I really girded my loins before making a trip to the Nike store to try on CrossFit specific shoes. I tried on several pairs there. None were wide enough, but I didn't panic. I didn't feel guilt at wasting their time. I just left without buying anything. We tried REI and DICK's Sporting Goods. No dice. No shoes that felt right on my feet.

When we went to Costco for our regular grocery shopping trip, I decided to check out what they had. Why not? I ended up buying a pair, because my old Merrell's were worn out to the point of hurting my feet and these were only $25 and felt wide enough.

But the big trip was when I braved the specialty store. A running store that I hoped would carry something close to what I needed; a shoe good for CrossFit that would work for the Spartan Race. I explained that to the clerk, leading with the CrossFit, and I didn't feel like a fraud saying that I do CrossFit. Even to this very fit young woman.

She measured my feet, analyzed my gait and brought out four pairs of shoes for me to try on. One of them was wide enough and Ambrose and I left with a pair of shoes for me to wear. I didn't even get a little upset. No crying.

And I realized that I'm finally not feeling like an impostor athlete. Sure, it's taken about four and a half years of CrossFit, and I know I don't really look that athletic at first glance. But I know what I can do. I'm comfortable and confident that I am a person who needs expensive shoes for my hobby of exercise.

I'm thinking my next boot purchase will go a lot easier.

Acceptance

My ankle is still bugging me. But I managed to take it on a 24 mile backpacking trip and saw the eclipse totality in the wilderness, no one around but my husband. We had an entire meadow to ourselves, and a full view of Mount Everly. Well, technically, we had a little company. A small plane was flying overhead and managed to sneak itself into my totality pictures. I actually think it adds something to them.

Totality and airplane. I don't have the best camera (or camera skills) for this shot.

And after my husband and I returned from the trip, I tried giving my ankle a few more days of rest to see if it would finally stop hurting.

It wouldn't, so I've moved on to another tactic. I'm getting back into my exercise routine. I'm going to do my best and take what care with my ankle that I need to, but I'm back going to cross fit and the gym.

I keep wondering if I should have gone to the doctor about it. Or if it would be worthwhile to go now, since my ankle is still hurting and its been several weeks. But at this point, I'm thinking I'll just gut it out. Give it support, ice now and then, stretch it and do ankle abc's.

Yesterday at cross fit, I read a quote written on one of the chalkboards:

Accept your circumstances. Accept exactly where you are and strive for progress. Stay present and fall back in love with the process of getting better. Because focusing on the future can destroy us. - Michael Cazayoux

It really hit home to me that I need to accept that right now, my ankle isn't 100%, but I'll get it there. I just need to do what I can and focus on healing and improving.

Easier written than done.

But I'll try.

Spinning Wheels

I don't feel that I've gotten very much done in the last week. I haven't been getting my butt in the writing chair because it doesn't seem the best place for the ankle. And also I'm a little sad about the whole being injured thing and sorely missing going to Crossfit. And last week was incredibly hectic at work, because I had been planning on being out this week.

But since I'm not going backpacking, I'm not taking the days. What would be the point of taking a vacation if I wasn't going to use it to go somewhere? At least, a vacation of a whole week. I hardly know what to do with myself over the winter break when work shuts down for a week. No way am I voluntarily doing that when I can't even go exercise.

But I do have some more books up, though I need to turn focus to creating paper versions of them, as well as publishing the rest of the shorts and working on a collection. Plus get to writing. That's the trick. Somehow, I'm able to get my butt in the chair for at least a few minutes each week and get something posted on this blog and my gym blog, but I'm not getting there at other times.

I know I can get work done if I get my butt in the chair. I just need to get myself there more often. Which should be a lot easier now that my ankle isn't all swollen. It's still a bit sore and tender but I walked with just a brace yesterday, no crutch, all day. I even went to the gym, though I only did weight machines and upper body work.

I might be able to get back to Crossfit - with no running - as early as Sunday. And I'm feeling more positive than ever that I'll be taking my planned backpacking trip to the Sawtooth Wilderness for the eclipse.

The Writing Begins in Earnest

I've finally finished writing up the Chamberlain Basin trip that I took with my husband. I'm still picking away at that story that I didn't finish over the summer, but I'm going to continue poking along with the fiction and put my mind to writing up my solo trip for my next book.

Of course, I'm also studying Spanish, and quickly feeling like I'm losing all confidence that I gained from the Duolingo app. The app was good to get me to a point of being able to understand and converse, but in class we're starting to learn the imperfect subjunctive, which depends on knowing the preterite to form and knowing both imperfect and preterite to use in a complete sentence.

On the plus side, I'm continuing to grasp what I see on Duolingo better when I do daily practice sessions. But I still don't feel like I have a solid grasp on preterite or imperfect. And when I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, then I get frustrated.

And I've also started a nutrition challenge through my cross fit gym. 30 days of going low carb. The mere thought is terrifying. I like carbs. I like bread. A lot. But I'm going to try and see what I can do in those 30 days. I've got a starting weight, a goal, and, most importantly, I've got my husband on board. He won't be going as strict as I will, but he will be cooking meals that fit into my challenge and supporting me through the inevitable sugar withdrawal.

I'll just use the solo hike write up to distract me from how frustrated I am in Spanish class, studying Spanish to distract me from my sugar withdrawal and my withdrawal symptoms to distract me from how late I am in starting the solo hike write up.

It's all going to work out...

The Soy Experiment

I've been feeling ill a lot this past winter and spring. I went through some antibiotics back in December and have been, in a way, waiting to get better ever since. I thought that I was on the road to recovery when I went on my business trip mid-March, but as soon as I got back I relapsed. There seemed to be no end in sight, and, even worse, I was starting to wheeze when I exercised.

Now, when I was twelve or thirteen, I wanted to get a dog. I thought that would be just great, completely forgetting the horrible experience I'd had when I got a pet rat and discovered that I had allergies. Surely, I thought, it was the rat cage that caused my issues. A dog would be just fine.

My Dad, however, did not want a dog in our house. Dogs, I was informed, smell.

I was given the option to get a cat, and I took it.

At this point in my life, I've lived with dogs and I've lived with cats, and I would take a dog over a litter box any day of the week, but at the time, the discovery of just how much a litter box can stink was, if you will, fresh. But that's not the point.

The point is, shortly after we got the cat, I began to wheeze when exercising. I clearly remember playing floor hockey after school and feeling tightness in my chest. It wasn't long before I was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma, and for a long time I thought that was my fate. In recent years, I've discovered that I don't get asthmatic as long as I avoid allergens, and what I thought was asthma was sometimes just being out of shape.

So while part of me thought that the wheezing was some sort of lung infection, I also considered an allergy hypothesis. And when I started getting a stomach ache after drinking a glass of soy milk, the light bulb went off - could I possibly have a soy allergy? Perhaps one that is getting progressively worse as I continue to eat soy sausages every morning and drink soy milk on the regular?

My husband and I decided to give cutting soy from my diet a try. A mere two days after cutting it, I ran without wheezing. The early results look good, but the true test will be reintroducing soy after a week. I almost don't want to, but it's the only way to gain certainty in the soy allergy hypothesis.

Although, there are circumstances in which such testing will not be happening... I ate clams once, and I will never eat them again, because I don't want to take the chance that the four days I spent in the bathroom were a fluke not related to clams.

Surprise Contender

There was one other option available for my NHL playoff watching pleasure, but I didn't mention it before, because it is a limited option.

At the Rec center, there are some treadmills and stationary bikes that have televisions, but the channels available are limited. NBCSN and NHL Network are unavailable, and they carry the majority of the games. However, in the first round, there are too many games for NBCSN to cover them all (NHL Network doesn't get as many because they aren't NBC owned, I think). The spillover generally falls on CNBC and sometimes MSNBC. Both of those channels are available at the Rec.

That's how I ended up on a stationary bike for about two and a half hours on Monday night, watching the Blackhawks earn a shutout against the Blues and rekindle my hope for this playoff series.

I hadn't even considered that there might be a Blackhawks game on CNBC, because last year they seemed to reserve that channel for the Ottawa series. But this year the 'Hawks are not President's Trophy winners. This year they came in third in the central, and so I guess that means they qualify for broadcast on basic cable.

Works for me.

I think it's much better for me to get on a bike and pedal off over 800 calories than to go to a bar and drink down 800 calories worth of beer - plus any snacks that my husband might convince me were necessary. Instead, we sat side by side on two stationary bikes and pedaled our way through the game.

Since we had biked to the Rec from our apartment, we ended up being a bit late and missed Toews' goal early in the first period. Which means that we had to wait until the game was nearly over before seeing a goal.

Oh, but the wait was worth it.

I was dripping sweat, wearing my Blackhawks t-shirt and booty shorts, and I did not care who stared at me when that empty net goal was scored and victory was assured. I raised both arms, clenching my hands into fists and let out an exultant, "Yes!" or two or three...

I actually liked having something to do with my nervous energy instead of twitching or standing up and swaying like I have done in bars when watching important games. Every time the 'Hawks were on a power play, I was pedaling faster, willing them to get the puck in the net. The same thing happened when they were on a penalty kill, only this time I was urging them to clear the zone.

In that final two minutes, even though I had started slowing down from the aches in my legs from more biking than I'm accustomed to, I ramped it up again as the announcers reminded the viewing audience of the last two games in the series where the Blackhawks gave up goals late in the 3rd only to have lost in overtime. I would have bit my nails to the quick if I hadn't been clutching the handlebars and pedaling, willing that empty net insurance goal to go in.

Unfortunately, there aren't any more Blackhawks games scheduled for CNBC this round - I would love to do this again, even though Tuesday was a very long and tired day...

Road Rash Versus Strawberry

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If at First You Don't Succeed...

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Tale of the Trail: Snowslide Lakes

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Exercise Encounters

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