Not a Snow Day

For just a short while yesterday, snow fell. It was beautiful. Big, fat, white flakes drifting down to gently blanket the grass, the sidewalk and the street. Frosting every surface with a sparkling layer of ice. I was glad to catch it, because, as is typical in Boise, the snow did not last. 

No, we only got 20, maybe 30 minutes of snowfall. And then it turned to rain, and all the snow melted away in just moments. 

I do miss having snow fall and stick around. We don't get that often in Boise. And it's nice not to have to deal with snow on the ground, especially since the city doesn't budget for cleaning up a lot of snow. But maybe this year I'll get out to the ski basin a bit more, or at least the mountains in general and get me a snow fix. Because I've got a vehicle that should be able to handle those roads now, hurray! 

It's snowing!

And now it's raining :(

I do hope we get at least one nice snowy day this winter, like we did last winter. It's nice to be able to walk out the door and into thick, squeaky snow and play a bit. 

Ghost Day

Sixty-eight years ago yesterday, my mother was born.

One year ago tomorrow, she died. 

There is still so much that remains unprocessed in my head. So much that I will never know about her and so much that I've forgotten. I was thinking the other day about how I don't have very many happy memories of her. I know that they existed, but the specifics are buried somewhere. Mostly I remember fighting and exasperation and having to be her parent in ways I shouldn't have been asked to do. 

I wish I remembered more happy memories. 

I sometimes feel that I don't know the woman she was, but rather the woman she became as a result of illness and disease. Like I don't actually know the woman my dad married. Or the woman my aunts and uncles remember as a sister. I'm the youngest in my family, so I don't even know the mom my brother knew, not really. 

Life is not a novel. There are no guaranteed denouements in real life, only what we tell ourselves. What closure we can make. Weaving the random happenings of a lifetime into a story that makes sense is a work, and not likely to hew to truth. 

Health Update

My body is actually doing really well right now. I've gone several nights without using a sleep aid beyond melatonin. I even had a nice normal bowel movement on Tuesday morning. 

The trial run of Trulance, which gave me diarrhea for about 4 hours each day for 7 days straight in early October (except when I had to hold it for a haircut - then I got constipated), did not meet my criteria for success. And afterwards, I was just feeling worse and worse, not just in my abdomen, but overall. I caught some kind of cold, but it wasn't that bad. 

But I was pretty sunk in a malaise. I started thinking about how I've been diagnosed with a functional disorder, and what that really means. Something is wrong in the flow of my digestion. Something that makes me hold on to fecal matter until it gets hard and difficult to pass. 

Instead of asking myself what was wrong when I had signals from my belly, I asked my body to let things flow. I rephrased it from pain to sensation. That doesn't always work, but it can help. 

I guess I've made the turn from looking to medicine to "cure" me to looking to my mind to "heal" myself. I'm not trying to deny science here, or disrespect medical professionals. But they honestly do NOT know what is going on with my digestion. My symptoms fit a pattern, and all they can do is try to treat symptoms. There's no ferreting out a root cause. 

At my last appointment, the doctor asked me several times about getting exercise and being out in the sunshine. He was, to me, clearly conveying that my issues had a psychological or mental aspect. Though he also said, several times, that I am not crazy. Yeah, dude, I know that. I've known crazy, and it ain't me. 

But not being crazy doesn't mean that my mental state won't affect my physical state. Our bodies and minds are tightly interwoven. One cannot exist without the other (not yet, anyway, insists the scifi fan in me). I remember hearing at some keynote address at a conference an idea that has stuck with me.

When one is nervous, one might feel butterflies in the stomach. If one names that feeling anxiety, it feels awful. But if one were to name it excitement, then the feeling is transformed into a positive one. 

It's nearly the one year anniversary of my mother's death. In less than two weeks, I will be at her memorial, celebrating her life. I have some anxieties about the whole event, from seeing my extended family to actually mourning her with my family. I'm not going to bottle them up. I'm going to emotion my way through and allow myself to feel what I feel. 

No swallowing those emotions and letting them interfere with my body's function. Not while I'm finally starting to feel better. 

I rather think that the diarrhea from the Trulance might have been a positive. I certainly felt empty after it was over, and maybe that's what I needed to start again. 

I'm still getting some intermittent intense sensations in what seems like the regions of my ovaries, but that is likely painful, but harmless, cysts. I will trust that my body will tell me if I need to do something more about them. 

Maybe if I repeat that enough times to myself it will work. I figure it has as much of a chance as anything else I've tried. And it's cheaper. 

Full Trail Work Song

I went ahead and finished my spoof song for trail work. The song on which it's based, Wishin' and Hopin' by Dusty Springfield, turned out to be constructed a little bit differently than what I had remembered while out on the trail, so I needed to rework some portions. The song also repeats several sections; I chose to use some of those repeats, but not all. I'm happy with it. 

Loppin' and choppin' and treadin' and gradin'
Limbin' and drainin' all over the trail
With some hard work we just can't fail
So if you're looking to care for trails you love
All you gotta do is lop 'em and chop 'em and cut 'em
And make it clear above

You have got to clear blown down trees
From the trail so we can hike through
Trim the branches that stick out
We will clear it
Loppin' and a-choppin', limbin' and a-trimmin'

Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' the trail gets fun
That won't get a lick of work done

So if you're thinkin' of how great clear trails are

All you gotta do is lop 'em and chop 'em and tread 'em and grade 'em 
Yeah, just do it
And after you you do, the trail is clear

You know you've got to saw with technique
Let the blade do most of the work
There's just no need to use much force
You will get through
Working in a rhythm, drawin' and a-pullin'

Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' the trail gets fun
That won't get a lick of work done

So if you're thinkin' of how great clear trails are

All you gotta do is saw 'em and limb 'em and drain 'em and cut 'em
Yeah, just do it
And after you you do, the trail is clear
The trail is clear
The trail is clear