Captioning Along

Well, I've at least gotten started with the captions on the pictures that I chose for my book. I completed Day 0's captions, eliminating 2 photos during review, and Day 1's, with 1 photo eliminated during review. Usually, I remove pictures from my original Picks during my review with Ambrose, but this time I realized as I was writing captions that a few of the pictures were redundant. And one I just decided I didn't want to include; no reason to add another selfie when there are pictures of me taken by others that work better. 

I'm not finding it overly difficult to write captions or choose my shots. My main blocker at this point is just getting started. Although I did manage to pick up a little cold, so that's not exactly helping with my motivation. I know that I'll get on a roll with this at some point, I just need to keep putting myself in the position to get on that roll. 

And once the captions are done, it's smooth sailing. Just slap it all together and get it uploaded, essentially. Well, there are three or four separate versions that need to be slapped together and uploaded to at least two different sites. But the principle holds, because slapping together is not the hard part. Nor uploading, at least as long as they haven't changed anything. 

Oh! But I do still need to select my cover photos. One for front and one for back... I'll need to be keeping an eye out as I work through the photos to see which ones stand out as exemplary of the amazing trip. Probably something near Chamberlain and something from Big Creek, but I'll have to wait and see which ones call to me. 

Why Is Work Hard?

I've made some progress. I picked out the pictures and reviewed them with Ambrose. That, in itself, was fun. We relived the trip together. But I haven't yet gotten to starting the captions. I hope to do that tonight. I plan to do that tonight. 

But plans don't always go the way you want them to. Still, with the hockey season on hiatus for now, I should be able to find some time, somewhere. 

I'm getting a booster shot today, so I'm going to leave a bit of leeway for working on the captions tonight. But I will be getting those started before Christmas, and I want to get the book ready as soon as possible. There have been some other things going on, but I think I'm going to be able to devote more energy to this project now. 

Stalled

I haven't gotten much done on my book in the last week. I did finish my initial selection of pictures, but I haven't yet reviewed them with my first reader (Ambrose). So I need to get that done, and then I can start working on the hard part: captions. 

I don't know why I consider that such a hard part. I suppose it's less hard than it is time consuming. But once I get all the pictures ready for placement, everything will go very fast. I know that from experience. What lies ahead of me is a lot of nitpicky work, but it's relatively simple work. 

It just requires me to actually sit down and do it. 

This book definitely isn't being published before the end of the year, but I want to get it mostly completed over my winter break. I do enjoy having an extended time off between Christmas and New Years, even if we are required to use vacation time for some of the days. It should give me plenty of time to get this done. I just need to make sure that I actually do it. 

Butt in chair! I just might have to block out time on my calendar to make sure I get a little done every day. Hopefully, once I get a little done, I'll be inclined to keep going and power through to finishing. 

Though I won't be finished once I finish, since I have another book to write and publish. But that one will be a lot shorter, so I believe I can get it all done well before next backpacking season. 

Moving Along

Well, Ambrose finished reading my draft in record time. I was kind of hoping he'd take longer, but it's good. His finishing pushes me to keep on with what I need to do. I'm in the midst of one of the hardest parts - picking the pictures! 

I take way more pictures than I could possibly use in any of my books when I hike. Heck, I even take tons of photos when I'm not planning on writing a book. The pictures help me remember the trip, and I do write-ups of nearly all my trips anyway. 

For this book, the challenge of choosing photos is compounded by the fact that I also have Bill's photos to look through as well as Ambrose's. They don't take nearly as many photos as I do out there, but they have one advantage that I definitely want to take advantage of - their photos are much more likely to have me in the frame ;) 

Well, Bill's more than Ambrose, just because Ambrose took so few pictures. Although I did bug him on the last night to take pictures of me pitching the tent. I know I'll use one or two of those, since that's an activity that I haven't gotten to record like that in past in my books. 

I probably won't be getting the book out until after the new year, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. I'll be closer to December than I was with last year's, that's for sure. And the second book for this past season will definitely be later. I'm aiming for no later than March for that one, which should be doable since it will be a short one. 

Book Progress

I finished writing out my initial draft before I went out of town on 11/19. And then I kind of took the week of Thanksgiving off. Perhaps not the best choice, but I don't regret having a relaxing holiday. I did get around to doing part of my work on Sunday. That's when I finally read Ambrose's and Bill's accounts of the trip. Both of them finished their write-ups well before I did, but I refused to read them until I had finished my draft. I didn't want my brain to be thinking of the words and memories of others while I was writing my own story.

There was very little in their accounts that I hadn't covered from my own perspective, which was pretty neat. I do reference the many photos I took while writing to help me remember, but I can't take a photo of everything. 

I'm still working on the next step in the process, which is new this year. Usually, I have a hard time rereading my work, so I might skim it or just spellcheck it before handing it off. But I wanted to give it a read through first this time so that I could cull out typos and add any depth from my reading of the guys' accounts. But I find that I'm actually enjoying the reread and typo/sense check that I'm doing now. Once I finish that, I'll be handing it off to Ambrose for the first read. 

While he works on that, I'll start selecting the photos that will be used in the book. I have an idea of some of them, since they figure prominently in the writing, but culling photos is always tricky. I want to include all the coolest photos, but sometimes the ones I most want are blurred or otherwise unusable. That is, after all, why I take so darn many. 

Ambrose took less than 100 photos. I took nearly 1000. Bill was closer to Ambrose's number than mine. 

In prior years when I've done multiple books, I've tried to do the production part (pictures, caption, formatting, publishing) at the same time. This year I'm going to try it differently. I've barely started writing the second book, which will be on the small ICT section I did in August. I might work on the writing while I'm waiting on Ambrose and doing production tasks, but I might wait later than that. That book will likely be published in 2022, but I have hopes that I can managed a 2021 date for the Frank Church Finale book. 

But if I want that, then I'm going to need to put my nose to the grindstone and get it done!

Not a Snow Day

For just a short while yesterday, snow fell. It was beautiful. Big, fat, white flakes drifting down to gently blanket the grass, the sidewalk and the street. Frosting every surface with a sparkling layer of ice. I was glad to catch it, because, as is typical in Boise, the snow did not last. 

No, we only got 20, maybe 30 minutes of snowfall. And then it turned to rain, and all the snow melted away in just moments. 

I do miss having snow fall and stick around. We don't get that often in Boise. And it's nice not to have to deal with snow on the ground, especially since the city doesn't budget for cleaning up a lot of snow. But maybe this year I'll get out to the ski basin a bit more, or at least the mountains in general and get me a snow fix. Because I've got a vehicle that should be able to handle those roads now, hurray! 

It's snowing!

And now it's raining :(

I do hope we get at least one nice snowy day this winter, like we did last winter. It's nice to be able to walk out the door and into thick, squeaky snow and play a bit. 

Ghost Day

Sixty-eight years ago yesterday, my mother was born.

One year ago tomorrow, she died. 

There is still so much that remains unprocessed in my head. So much that I will never know about her and so much that I've forgotten. I was thinking the other day about how I don't have very many happy memories of her. I know that they existed, but the specifics are buried somewhere. Mostly I remember fighting and exasperation and having to be her parent in ways I shouldn't have been asked to do. 

I wish I remembered more happy memories. 

I sometimes feel that I don't know the woman she was, but rather the woman she became as a result of illness and disease. Like I don't actually know the woman my dad married. Or the woman my aunts and uncles remember as a sister. I'm the youngest in my family, so I don't even know the mom my brother knew, not really. 

Life is not a novel. There are no guaranteed denouements in real life, only what we tell ourselves. What closure we can make. Weaving the random happenings of a lifetime into a story that makes sense is a work, and not likely to hew to truth. 

Health Update

My body is actually doing really well right now. I've gone several nights without using a sleep aid beyond melatonin. I even had a nice normal bowel movement on Tuesday morning. 

The trial run of Trulance, which gave me diarrhea for about 4 hours each day for 7 days straight in early October (except when I had to hold it for a haircut - then I got constipated), did not meet my criteria for success. And afterwards, I was just feeling worse and worse, not just in my abdomen, but overall. I caught some kind of cold, but it wasn't that bad. 

But I was pretty sunk in a malaise. I started thinking about how I've been diagnosed with a functional disorder, and what that really means. Something is wrong in the flow of my digestion. Something that makes me hold on to fecal matter until it gets hard and difficult to pass. 

Instead of asking myself what was wrong when I had signals from my belly, I asked my body to let things flow. I rephrased it from pain to sensation. That doesn't always work, but it can help. 

I guess I've made the turn from looking to medicine to "cure" me to looking to my mind to "heal" myself. I'm not trying to deny science here, or disrespect medical professionals. But they honestly do NOT know what is going on with my digestion. My symptoms fit a pattern, and all they can do is try to treat symptoms. There's no ferreting out a root cause. 

At my last appointment, the doctor asked me several times about getting exercise and being out in the sunshine. He was, to me, clearly conveying that my issues had a psychological or mental aspect. Though he also said, several times, that I am not crazy. Yeah, dude, I know that. I've known crazy, and it ain't me. 

But not being crazy doesn't mean that my mental state won't affect my physical state. Our bodies and minds are tightly interwoven. One cannot exist without the other (not yet, anyway, insists the scifi fan in me). I remember hearing at some keynote address at a conference an idea that has stuck with me.

When one is nervous, one might feel butterflies in the stomach. If one names that feeling anxiety, it feels awful. But if one were to name it excitement, then the feeling is transformed into a positive one. 

It's nearly the one year anniversary of my mother's death. In less than two weeks, I will be at her memorial, celebrating her life. I have some anxieties about the whole event, from seeing my extended family to actually mourning her with my family. I'm not going to bottle them up. I'm going to emotion my way through and allow myself to feel what I feel. 

No swallowing those emotions and letting them interfere with my body's function. Not while I'm finally starting to feel better. 

I rather think that the diarrhea from the Trulance might have been a positive. I certainly felt empty after it was over, and maybe that's what I needed to start again. 

I'm still getting some intermittent intense sensations in what seems like the regions of my ovaries, but that is likely painful, but harmless, cysts. I will trust that my body will tell me if I need to do something more about them. 

Maybe if I repeat that enough times to myself it will work. I figure it has as much of a chance as anything else I've tried. And it's cheaper. 

Full Trail Work Song

I went ahead and finished my spoof song for trail work. The song on which it's based, Wishin' and Hopin' by Dusty Springfield, turned out to be constructed a little bit differently than what I had remembered while out on the trail, so I needed to rework some portions. The song also repeats several sections; I chose to use some of those repeats, but not all. I'm happy with it. 

Loppin' and choppin' and treadin' and gradin'
Limbin' and drainin' all over the trail
With some hard work we just can't fail
So if you're looking to care for trails you love
All you gotta do is lop 'em and chop 'em and cut 'em
And make it clear above

You have got to clear blown down trees
From the trail so we can hike through
Trim the branches that stick out
We will clear it
Loppin' and a-choppin', limbin' and a-trimmin'

Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' the trail gets fun
That won't get a lick of work done

So if you're thinkin' of how great clear trails are

All you gotta do is lop 'em and chop 'em and tread 'em and grade 'em 
Yeah, just do it
And after you you do, the trail is clear

You know you've got to saw with technique
Let the blade do most of the work
There's just no need to use much force
You will get through
Working in a rhythm, drawin' and a-pullin'

Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' the trail gets fun
That won't get a lick of work done

So if you're thinkin' of how great clear trails are

All you gotta do is saw 'em and limb 'em and drain 'em and cut 'em
Yeah, just do it
And after you you do, the trail is clear
The trail is clear
The trail is clear

Writing Along

My writing is moving along nicely. I started out with a 500 words per day requirement to just get me into the chair and writing. As I hoped, getting my butt into the chair has resulted in more than the minimum the longer I keep up the streak. I think I'm ready to start making my minimum daily word count 1000, which should speed the process along even more, as I start to exceed that goal. 

It's funny; when I started focusing on the writing, 500 words was hard. I would write a bit, check my count and find I wasn't even halfway there. Tuesday morning, I wrote a bit, then did my check and found I'd already exceeded 500 words. 

I think I prefer writing the Hike with Me books after the end of the season in part because it allows me to relive the trips just when I'm really starting to miss backpacking. Though I did like having the write-up done earlier the one year that I did my ICT hike in May and finished the write-up before July. Of course, I did two other books that year, so I was still writing in October and November. 

It's so much fun to look back over all my pictures and recall the scents and the feel of the breezes. How hot it was in the afternoons, and how cold in the mornings. The trip went exactly according to plan, and that was such a relief after my last few attempts at the Frank. 

I'm hoping to finish my write-up of both this trip and the second ICT hike that I did later in August before November 19th, but it will all depend on how long each one ends up being. I expect the second one will be a lot shorter simply because I was only hiking for two days, due to fire closures, but I'm not sure how many more words I'll need for the first one. 

However many it takes :) 

No 'Poo, No Problem

It's been over a year since I put shampoo on my hair. I made it through a whole season of backpacking without using the stuff, which was, in my mind, the true test of whether this would be viable for me long term. I was concerned that the level of dirt acquired on a long trip might require shampoo to clear out, but that turned out not to be the case. 

Now, to be fair, after one trip I did use a bit of bodywash on my hair to try and get the dirt out. But no shampoo, and very little soap, has touched my hair over the last 13 months. For the most part, I've been using baking soda 1 to 3 times per week, as I felt my hair needed a bit of degreasing. Otherwise, it's just water and finger scrubbing. 

I have discovered that I can no longer use my hair to clean my nails like I did when I used shampoo. But I solved that one by moving my nail brush from its place next to the bathroom sink to a new home in the shower. I do have very short hair, which may contribute to this working as well as it is for me. I'm not sure if it would work nearly as well with longer hair - I'm growing mine out on top a little bit this winter, so I'll see if that makes a difference. 

The thing that amazed me so much I had to share it with my husband the other day is that hair care products are kind of a racket. 

I used to shampoo and condition my hair on a daily basis (at least doing the hair routine every time I showered, if I wasn't showering every day). And then I'd get frustrated because I couldn't style it. Nothing I could do to my hair would make it do anything other than flop down flat unless I used a lot of product on it. And I do NOT like the smell of most hair products, so I avoided them and ended up keeping my hair up a lot when it was long. 

Now that I'm not using shampoo and conditioner, I can shower, and then brush my hair into a style - and it stays! Not perfectly, but well enough to amaze me. I don't even have to use a blow dryer - though using one will help the style stay in place better. Or maybe I just like the warm air. 

At any rate, I'm glad to have figured out, however late, that my hair isn't unstylable - it just needed me not to cleanse it. 

I don't anticipate going back to using shampoo and conditioner now that I've tried living without it. It's an added expense that doesn't have any real benefits as far as I'm concerned. And it comes with one major drawback - that I need to shampoo every 4 days or I get headaches, even while backpacking. Until I find a benefit that outweighs that drawback, I'll be sticking with my current hair routine. 

It's the Time of the Season...

For writing!

The writing is underway. I'd say this is about an average start. I mean, technically, I did start this much earlier, but I haven't really started pushing myself on it until this past week. 

I know myself. When I have a daily word goal, I get writing done. When I don't, I don't. So I'm starting with an easy 500 words per day goal and as I get going, I'll probably up that to 1000 words per day. I'm hoping to finish the writing of both ICT trips before Thanksgiving, which should give me plenty of time to publish before Christmas. Or be close - it will depend on whether I order physical proofs or rely on the electronic. 

From past experience, no matter how much I review the electronic proofs, I will always miss typos that I'd catch on paper. But hope springs eternal, so I might go ahead and try electronic proofs again this year. It will really depend on how I'm feeling when I'm ready - and when I'm actually ready to make that choice. It's much easier to choose the physical proof when I'm ready in early December than when I'm ready in late February. 

I also submitted a story to the 4th quarter of Writers of the Future, with about three hours to spare before the 9/30 deadline. I actually had the story ready since July, but I was waiting to see if I wrote a better one. Of course, as soon as I submitted it, I thought of half a dozen ways to improve it, but there's always next quarter. (Writers of the Future allows you to submit the same story more than once.)

Backpacking season is over. Car camping season is over (for us). It's time to settle down to the off season pursuits and get these books written. Maybe a few stories while I'm at it. 

Crafts! Guitar Strap

I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to make myself a guitar strap. Sure, I could have bought one, but I enjoy crafting and I have a couple of options that I could use right here at home, so why not? The only question remaining was which method I would use. 

On the one hand, I could crochet a strap. I've got yarn and crochet needles and the know-how to knot out a strap. But I found the other option to be more attractive, perhaps, more rock-n-roll - leather. 

And it's been a while since I did any leathercrafting - too long, I say! 

I found a video on YouTube that detailed the kind of strap I wanted to make - one that doesn't require hardware: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rhxPX9u12k 

I don't have all the tools that would be ideally used in constructing the strap, but I have enough tools to get the job done. I copied down the pattern and the general measurements onto a post-it note, and then I realized I needed some really long paper to make a pattern. 

I measured a piece of cardboard that was lying around the house, but it was only 16 inches and I needed 22 for my small piece and 36 for the large. There followed a brief scramble around the apartment while I tried to figure out what I could possibly use until I remembered that I bought wrapping paper for Christmas presents last year and hardly used any of it. 

The cool thing about using this wrapping paper was that the reverse side has a grid, which really helped with getting the straightedge lined up nicely for drawing my pattern. Once I drew the rough pattern out, I cut it - very carefully, because wrapping paper is pretty fragile. 

Wrapping paper patterns.

Yes, it was Frozen wrapping paper.

Then came the fun part - time to get the leather!

My husband and I have a bin full of leather that we've used over the years for various projects. At this point, most of it is undyed, shades of light brown mostly. But we do have one huge piece that's purple on one side, and that was the only piece big enough to cut my pattern out of, so purple it was. 

I placed the patterns on the leather in a couple different ways before I picked my spot and used scotch tape to affix the patterns to the leather. I didn't tape them all the way around, but instead did small strategic tapes and then used a permanent marker to draw the outline on the leather itself.  In the past, I've actually glued my pattern to the leather, but that was for patterns I could print out on a normal printer. I wasn't going to make my Frozen-wrapping-paper patterns unusable if I wanted to try again! 

Patterns taped down, thonging/chisel set next to the scissors and ready to go.

I also used the marker to punch through the paper at key points to mark where holes would need to be made. Probably would have been easier to cut those from the paper, but I had already taped the patterns down - poor planning on my part. Then I cut the pieces out of the main body of the leather and then cut them apart. Finally, I cut out the actual leather pieces. 

Now we're ready to chisel!

Now I had two long pieces of leather, and all that was left was the cutting of the holes. This part actually took the longest because I don't have a hole puncher at the moment, so I was using a thonging/chisel set to make little round holes and longer slots. That part was hard and finicky, because every hole required many cuts due to the size and shape of my chisel. I used a bigger chisel for the slots, but it still required multiple stabs and I had to finish it with the small chisel anyway. 

It fits together.

It fits the guitar.

But it worked! I think I might add some additional holes so I can adjust the length to be a bit shorter, but it really works. And sure, I could have bought one, but that wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. 

And it fits me!

The Role of the Squire

When it comes to slaying the monsters within, no one can fight for you. It would be great if you could get someone else to fight your monsters for you - so much easier! But the moment someone else tries to be your Champion and slay one of your monsters, you will become defensive and actively fight against their efforts.

Why?

Because they're your monsters. Part of their function is to convince you that they are you, an integral part of you without which you cannot function. The only person who can discern them and slay them is you.

That doesn't mean that you can't get help when you set off to slay those oh-so-personal monsters. In fact, I highly recommend having support when you intend to monster slay. But the support is external. Like, someone to carry your gear, and help you put on your armor for battle. A squire, if you will.

The role of the squire can be pivotal. While not everyone needs or has a squire, when you have one, you can take more leaps, because you have that support to rely on. You just need to remember that the squire is not there to fight the monsters, let alone slay them. The squire is there for you, yes, to support you in your slaying journey, but you are the slayer.

A squire should be able to provide support, care and love. An example of support is discussing tactics and reminding the slayer when they’re starting to stray into a downward spiral. Care and love are pretty self explanatory; when we know that someone cares about what we are doing, and that someone loves us no matter what, then we can be more confident about slaying those monsters. Because your squire won’t let you stop being who you are. 

The squire provides grounding. A link between the self that you are and the self that you wish to be. 

A squire is a cheerleader, and always on your side. 

But they cannot do the work. 

Squiring someone through monster slaying is like helping a friend study for a test. You can drill them, study with them, recommend various tips, tricks and techniques. But when it comes time to actually take the test, you cannot help. You can’t even watch.

The reward is in the results.

In the slaying of monsters that will allow slayer and squire to have a deeper relationship, without monsters getting in the way. 

Health Update

Warning: frank talk about poop to follow. 

I've pretty much been in pain every day for the past couple years. Maybe not the whole time, and mostly at a level that I can bear, but still. So I decided to try and push the gastro doc to actually do something to treat me instead of, like the last one, brushing me off with vague instructions never to eat fiber again. 

The first such attempt turned out awful. The pill pretty much destroyed my weekend and my butt. Instead of a cessation of pain, I got diarrhea and vomiting on day one, which faded to diarrhea only the next few days. I stopped that one, but it still hasn't fully left my system. 

And now I have to decide whether I try the next one or just give up on Western medicine entirely and try something different. My husband and I recently watched a convincing video on the importance of the microbiome on gut health, but when I brought that up with the doc he said that there wasn't enough robust evidence for them to do that kind of testing at his practice. 

To which I wonder exactly what kind of rigorous studies the medication he did give me has gone through. And I really can't help but wonder how much money the pharmaceutical companies are paying to convince doctors that their drugs are good. Sure, the drugs need to pass FDA approval, but they are not infallible or proof against lobbyist dollars. 

Writing that makes me feel like a conspiracy theorist. But I am finding very little trust in the American health care system within myself. The systems seem to be run purely by financial interests, mostly focused on the insurance companies' abilities to avoid paying for services. Heck, the doc even mentioned that if he went with this one drug, the insurance company would tend to fight him on it, and without insurance it costs like $300 for a month's supply. 

And, because I know how much some drugs cost without insurance, $300 per month doesn't actually sound that horrible, though I certainly don't want to pay that. 

It was also interesting for me to consider that even though the microbiome doesn't have robust enough research, something that has been essentially proven only to help some people, avoiding FODMAPs, was something that the doc recommended, bringing it up when I mentioned making my own applesauce because apples are high in FODMAPs (FODMAPs are a type of carbohydrate that have a "strong link" to digestive issues). Of course, fruits that are low in FODMAPs are high in fiber, such as citrus and green bananas. And while I have some doubts about the IBS diagnosis, the delayed gastric emptying thing feels correct. I've felt how my body no longer likes dealing with eating things like pineapple. So fibrous. So delicious :(

I had been eating bananas as my fiber for a while, but I switched when I read that those can cause constipation. And I rarely ate green ones. But I did try the low FODMAP diet, way back when this whole rollercoaster started. It had absolutely no efficacy for me. Low fiber did help for a time, but I have not found what it is that will bring me back to pain free equilibrium in my gut. 

There's a part of me that really wants to find an answer without resorting to prescription drugs. But the larger part of me just wants an answer. 

So I'm still looking. 

Holding On

I hate talking on the phone. It is just not my favorite thing to do. Especially with cell phones, because there's the added paranoia of whether my face will sweat so much that it damages the computer I'm jamming against my ear or I will accidentally hang up on someone because of said sweaty ear.

While I have found that using a headset mitigates some of the anxiety for me, especially when it comes to the part of my anxiety that struggles to get people to repeat themselves when I don't hear them clearly, it doesn't impact the part of me that just doesn't like talking on the phone. I mean, I can raise the volume on the headset and make it work, but only to a point. 

And, of course, being on hold is no one's favorite activity. But recently, I found a new low in being on hold when I was trying to make a health care appointment. 

First off, there's the pre-recorded message. I called the main line, and had to listen to their Covid spiel. And then, when I pressed the number for scheduling, the whole message repeated. That was special. 

The music that they played on the hold line was fine. Not great, not terrible. No, the terrible part was that every 30 seconds, there's a click. It sounds like, just maybe, someone is going to pick up. For my particular phone anxiety, the moment the other person picks up creates a great deal of tension in me. It's time, I have to speak to a human being and try to make myself understood and understand the other person. Scary! 

But that click just heralds the arrival of yet another automated recording, thanking me for being on hold and suggesting that I might want to press 1 for voicemail. 

And if you stick it out for a mere 5 minutes, it just sends you to voicemail anyway. 10 interruptions to the music that sound like the phone is being picked up, and they just send you to voicemail anyway. 

Of course, before you leave your voicemail, you must listen to ANOTHER automated message with instructions on how to voicemail. 

Overall, the stress of making that appointment (that I didn't really want to make, I've got issues here), was exacerbated by their horrible hold, and I hope that my stressed voicemail wherein I said their hold procedure sucked will cause them to rethink the torture they are putting potential patients through. 

Songing Along

Last weekend, I went on a backpacking trip to do trail work with the Idaho Trails Association. During that trip, I came up with two little song-y things. One of them was inspired by another of the women on the trip, and the other just came into my head as we were working. And on the last night, I did share my bear song, though my voice totally cracked on it. I need to practice it a lot more so I can be performance ready. 

So the first one came about from the words "lopping and chopping" swimming through my head. They made such a nice rhythm and fit right into an old song, 'Wishin' and Hopin'' by Dusty Springfield. Now, I didn't remember exactly how that song went, but I fit a few things into the shape that I remembered and ended up with: 

We're loppin' and choppin' and brushin' and treadin' 

And sawin' and after we're through

The trail is clear

You know you've got to saw with technique

Let the blade do most of the work

You know there's just no need to use much force

You will get through

Working in a rhythm

Drawin' and a pullin'

Because we're diggin' and gradin' and cuttin' and drainin' 

And limbin' and after we're through

The trail is clear

I might work that one into fitting more of the actual lyrics and song, rather than just what I remembered out there. Especially if I can come up with some more tool/task specific things like with the saw. After I shared that little snippet, one of the other women said I should come up with something matching the 7 dwarves song, "Heigh Ho". After a little noodling and hiking, I came up with just a snip: 

Heigh ho heigh ho

WOW ITA we go

To clear some trails

And take no males

Heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho

That one I may or may not return to. I might not have even shared it on the trail, but that little bit made me laugh so hard I had to share. (Note: WOW ITA is sung "wow eye-tee-ay" for this song, and stands for Women's Only Weekend, Idaho Trails Association.)

This Year's Books

Although I haven't settled in to the serious business of actually writing up my trips (or reading Ambrose's or Bill's trip reports), I have decided what I'm going to call each of my Hike with Me books this year. 

For the fly-in trip, I'm going with Hike with Me: Idaho Centennial Trail Frank Church Finale. I thought about doing Part 3 instead of Finale, but I wanted to emphasize that I was finally finished with the Frank. It took me a long time to get through it, and there are definitely choices that I made that I might not make if I do the trail a second time. (Sorry Dry Saddle, you are gorgeous, but the trails from Sheep Hill Lookout to the Salmon and Burnt Knob down to Poet just aren't there anymore.)

The title for the other book was harder to come by. Although I'm heading to the Selway-Bitterroot Wilderness, technically, the trails I hiked were not in a Wilderness area. Not quite. I straddled the edge of the Selway when I hiked along the ridge from Burnt Knob, but once I turned off downhill towards Poet Creek, I was no longer in any Wilderness, just the Nez Perce National Forest. So this isn't really the 1st Selway hike. 

But it was a challenge. I took nearly ten hours to complete ten mostly downhill miles. I took long enough that Ambrose started to get worried about me. A large section of trail simply wasn't there anymore, and if I hadn't had GPS and a huge stubborn streak, I would have turned around. Or maybe my streak was a combination of stubbornness and optimism; I really did hope that the trail would become trail again at any moment. 

So even though that was only two day hikes on the Idaho Centennial Trail, with the planned third day cancelled due to fire at Warm Springs Bar, I'm going to call it: Hike with Me: Idaho Centennial Trail Challenge. That's going to be the main angle that I'm approaching that one from; the challenge of getting through the first day, and the challenge of actually getting up the next day and hiking again with my destroyed body. 

Next, I've got to start setting aside some time for writing, hopefully each day in September. Once I stop going on backpacking trips on weekends, I'll set a word count, maybe 500 words a day. That will be enough of a reminder to get my butt in the chair and start typing without being an impossible goal on days when I'm tired and/or in pain. 

Inbox Purge

I've been getting notices from gmail for a while now, informing me, oh so politely, that I am getting close to my storage limit, and would I like to purchase more storage now or later? 

Keeping a clean inbox has not been a priority for me in the last... ten years or so. Maybe twelve. So I finally started clearing things out. I started with the social folder, full of Twitter updates that I rarely glance at and even more rarely click through. Purged that completely. Then I purged the promotions folder. That was harder, because there's a part of me that always wonders about saving something for future use. But I did it. Bye bye all you old promotions. 

Of course, the promotions section is a relatively new feature. So, my original inbox still has a ton of "promotions" related emails, especially in the older section. Oh, yes, to give some context, I was over 17,000 unread emails in my Inbox, and there were even more unread in the promotions folder. Inbox Zero is not my style. 

I was reluctant to wholesale delete even old emails in the main inbox, and so I have been going through them, oldest to newest, 100 emails at a time, to make sure I only delete crap like old receipts and adverts, and keep the good stuff like pictures of my nieces. It's a slow process, but I made more progress than I thought I would in just half an hour, so it's not hopeless. And it will give me the breathing space to rearrange things. See, I need to move this blog onto my website, and then I'll be hosting all the photos over there instead of inside my gmail account. That's another one of those things that is going to take a large investment of concentrated effort, but that will pay off in the long run. 

I just need to carve out the time to actually get that done, and then put a redirect post here and boom! No more uploading pictures to my gmail account in order to post them. Instead, I'll start putting pressure on the storage limits of the website :D

Hockey!

The other day, I opened up my NHL app on my phone to see what other roster changes the Blackhawks had been working out besides the big Fleury deal. I hadn't opened it in quite a while, and I was surprised to find a notification that the streaming service for out of market games had changed. No longer would I be paying NHLTV for the privilege of watching most out of market games; instead, the new option would be to subscribe to ESPN+.

At first, I felt a touch of dread, because my husband has an aversion to subscribing to new streaming services. He figures between the ones that we've got, we should have plenty to watch. And that's true, but there are some times that I'd like to watch shows that aren't available on our services. At any rate, my dread proved unfounded. If ESPN+ is how we get hockey, then we subscribe to ESPN+. 

I went ahead and bought a full year's subscription, since it would be at a discounted rate over the month to month. And either way it would be cheaper than the NHLTV subscription. Not only because it was a lower dollar amount, but because we would be getting more than just hockey. Sure, most of the sports also available don't particularly interest us, but there will probably be occasions where I find something cool. 

Now, if only they'd just realize that I don't actually have any local teams and stop blacking out Colorado and Las Vegas. Or at least don't block Seattle for the inaugural season. I think it's ridiculous that teams over 500 miles away are considered my local teams for the purposes of blackouts. I know the rationale, with the regional sports networks needing to be sold on satellite and cable, but it's annoying. 

And I'm definitely curious about how the Kraken are going to do. I didn't see as many big names on their draft as I did on Vegas'. Especially concerning was the lack of a capable veteran goalie. I'm thinking the other teams learned their lessons from Vegas' aggressive approach and made sure Seattle didn't get similar largesse. 

I've checked out the live streaming quality on ESPN+ with soccer. I figured baseball was too slow to give a comparison for hockey, but soccer should be close. It seemed to get a little choppy when the shot zoomed in on fast action, but I had to be looking closely for it. Next up will be the preseason. I sure hope the Delta variant doesn't create problems for this year's hockey season. 

It's a Pain

I've been feeling off for a while now. Off enough that I did go to the doctor's office, and I will be getting some diagnostic stuff done, but that won't be for another few weeks. In the meantime, I'm just trying to deal with it. 

It's more difficult to deal with than usual, because I don't know what's wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like my brain is not operating at its normal speed. I'm losing track of things that I don't usually lose. I fumble and bumble. There's a near constant lump in my throat and pain behind my sternum. My abdomen is a basket of random pains that strike on their mysterious whims. 

Part of the abdominal pain is premenstrual right now, and that makes things even worse, because I'm emotional and I know it. And it's perfectly normal for me to be in pain during my period, right? 

One thing that bugged me when I went to the dr's office was that I mentioned easing myself back into eating a bit more fiber, some fruits so I'm not going totally fiber free. And she said, essentially, that my IBS and gastroparesis were permanent and I needed to keep that in mind. 

At the time, I didn't reply, but later I wished I had. I wished I had looked at her with incredulity and asked if she had, unbeknownst to me, discovered the sure cause of my condition, and proven that I had IBS. And, since she now knew this for a fact, I would most certainly be interested in how she came to this miraculous conclusion. 

Probably for the best that I didn't say anything. 

If anything, doing the experiment with the laxatives has shown me that my body does not react like I expected, based on what I'd read about IBS. They should have just worked, but they didn't. I've stopped them for now, though I'm still drinking a can of old fashioned prune juice each evening. It seemed like the right thing to do after I had a bout of diarrhea. 

I went to work on Monday even though I really didn't want to. I wanted to stay in bed. Instead, I went in and spent a very active day moving my office. It doesn't seem right to take a sick day when I don't know what's wrong, and when I couldn't do anything for myself other than rest in bed. I rested all weekend. I slept over 10 hours Saturday night! 

I'm trying to troubleshoot this, but I'm not finding anything that has a particular affect on how I'm feeling. Caffeine, pain killers, antacids, more sleep, rest, exercise, more water... My head doesn't feel quite right, but I'm capable of doing everything I need to do. I can drive and work. Ride my bike. Run. 

So I'll need to find and try different things since the things that I've tried have had no effect. Always good to get it out on the page. To write out the problem often brings the solution into greater clarity. For me at least. 

The Time for Writing

I've got two books now that I'm working on. There's this year's Hike with Me, which will be called Idaho Centennial Trail Frank Church Finale. I figured calling it Part 3 would imply that more parts could follow, so I settled on Finale as the best indicator of triumphant completion. Then there's my other book that I've been chewing on for nearly a year now. Kind of self help, kind of philosophy, mostly about creating a framework for self improvement. 

I haven't made much headway on either of them in the last month. I've been writing in fits and starts. Mostly fits. My mind is getting easily distracted by my body's woes. I use my willpower to focus enough on work to get that done, but then I hardly have any left to focus on my personal writing work. 

My tummy has been rough for most of the summer. I got a new issue of throat gunk, which turned into tonsil stones while I was hiking through the Frank, and then cleared up briefly only to return, along with something like heartburn, despite a course of Prilosec. The sensations are painful, but during the day I can ignore it in favor of doing other things. It's at night that I run into problems, because I'm trying to empty my mind and relax and the painful sensations just get louder as my mind gets quieter. 

I have a pretty good writing set up at home now, and I need to actually utilize it. I need to carve out time and energy for getting my butt in the chair. Otherwise, I'll never read Ambrose's or Bill's accounts of the trip! See, I don't want to read theirs before I write mine, lest I steal a turn of phrase or forget something important to me. Also, it serves as a bit of an incentive to get to writing. 

But I don't expect that I'll finish my writing before November. That's my typical schedule. I will need to start focusing on it at some point to get that done, but there doesn't need to be urgency yet. If I'm not making headway by September, I'm going to have to institute a minimum word count per day. That usually does the trick of getting my butt in the chair for enough time each day to do the work. 

Best Use of Leftover Fries

When my husband and I were driving back from the Oregon coast, we needed to stop somewhere and get dinner. Usually, we manage to stop at this Thai place in Pendleton that's really good (Thai Crystal), but we ended up hungry before we passed that town this time. 

So we ended up going to a burger joint drive thru type of place instead. We both ordered fish n chips, but after we received the order, it was clear we should have ordered one to share. This was a big pile of food - not something either of us were prepared to fully consume. The fish portion was generous, but it was the fries that really overwhelmed me. 

They were shoestring fries, basically a big ol' ball of them, a huge tangled nest of fries. They weren't easy for Ambrose to eat while driving, because if you pull on one fry, you get 50 more clinging to it. I had to break them up so he could actually eat. 

We got close to finishing the first order of fries, but we didn't touch the second. However, I had an idea about what might be done with them, and I convinced Ambrose we shouldn't just throw them out as soon as we got home. 

Instead, I let them sit overnight and then I made an omelet with them. 

French fries, cheese and a little ketchup in the omelet. 

It was a little trickier to roll than my typical omelets. I had to be careful not to let the egg break as I folded those fries. But it turned out pretty nice on the plate, with a dusting of shredded Dubliner cheese.  

After I took the picture, Ambrose also requested some hot sauce on his omelet, which I was happy to accommodate. I had some on mine as well. 

I did not reheat the fries before putting them on the omelet; instead, I let the omelet warm them up as part of my process. I use an omelet process that I got from YouTube; basically, you treat the eggs like scrambled until they are almost done being liquid, then you turn off the burner, smoosh the eggs flat, and add any other ingredients that need warming. Then I cover it with a pan lid to help warm up the toppings (and melt the cheese!), which get less heat than the eggs since they are not touching the cast iron pan. 

So the fries were warmed by the residual heat from cooking the omelet, but not actually re-cooked themselves. While they didn't taste like fresh fries, they tasted really good in the omelet. I don't think this would have worked so well if the fries were thicker. If I had thicker cut fries, I'd probably go ahead and chop them into smaller, thinner pieces before putting it in the omelet. Otherwise, I'd end up with cold chunks, yuck. 

If I ever have leftover fries again, I know exactly what I'm doing with them. 

Declining Invitations

Maybe your day is going well. Maybe it's going poorly. Maybe you're hungry. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you just have a mood. 

Whatever the circumstances, every now and then, someone hands you an invitation to be annoyed. An express ticket to Grumpy Town. 

You can take it. Snap it up. Really lean into the whole I'm annoyed so EVERYONE should be annoyed mentality.

And that is what we often do without thinking. We just see the invitation, and we don't stop and consider. We just say, oh, sure why not be a grump today? I mean, you're being invited. Wouldn't it be rude to decline? 

But declining invitations to be annoyed is something that I've been thinking about lately. I thought about it while I hiked, letting the slow and quiet of the wilderness seep into my thought process. I thought about the future, and that I could simply not take those invitations and therefore avoid becoming grumpy at trivial things. 

It was a nice thought. 

See, the other day I was hungry. Hungry and trying to get stuff done so I could eat. And my husband offered me an invitation. An express ticket to Grumpy Town. 

And in the moment, I couldn't refuse it. 

It was a silly thing to get worked up over, but I got worked up anyway. I did get to eating, and worked on a project, and then finished eating. I was hoping, by that point, to leave Grumpy Town. But sometimes, you've got a double ticket, and you can only leave with your partner. 

Which is a great lesson for me. It's easy to think that I should decline these invitations in the abstract. The practice of actually declining such invitations is going to take both time and effort. But I think I'll be better off if I try. 

I think I will feel better in my life if I graciously decline, it not all, then most of the invitations I receive throughout the day to be annoyed. Just missed the green light? Let it go. Someone cuts me off in traffic? No need to raise my blood pressure because they're an idiot. Something turns out in a way I wasn't expecting or wanting? Adapt. 

Easier written then done. But is it really "easy" to get annoyed? If it is so easy, then why is it so easy?  Because it's a habit? Then why have I built a habit of being easily annoyed? What purpose does it serve for me? 

I think the next step is to try and slow down my reactions a bit. To be thoughtful and consider before reacting. Because I do not like being annoyed or grumpy, and I want to reduce the amount of my life that I spend in Grumpy Town. 

The Self

What is it that makes you "you"? 

Not, what defines you? Not, what experiences made you who you are? 

But what is it that you use to define what it means to be you? 

I don't like mint. I've never liked it. I can stand it. I tolerate it at the dentist. I tolerate using mint toothpaste and dental floss. But I do not like it. That's a part of who I am. 

If I woke up one morning and I enjoyed the taste of mint, would I still be me? 

As a child, I didn't like spicy foods. As an adult, I enjoy them quite a bit. Am I a different person now than I was when I was young? 

I would say that I am different. I believe that I have changed over the years that I've been alive on this earth. I am not the same person that I was 15 years ago. 

But I am still me. 

I am not my opinions. I am not my experiences. I am not even a sum or multiple of these things. 

What is it that I am at my core? Is it my brain? Is it a soul? An extension of the universe using my body as a meat puppet to experience and understand itself? 

In the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being, there is a section where one of the narrators, Teresa, stares at herself in the mirror, and wonders how long she would still recognize herself as herself if her nose grew a millimeter every day. I don't believe the body is integral to the self, though it has influence. A person is no less themselves should they lose a limb. But they do have to adapt to such a radical change in their body. That adaptation - will it change who they are? 

I think it can, but it won't necessarily. 

Whatever it is that makes you, you, it is not immutable. It is subject to influence and change. Purposeful adaptations and incidental ones. Habits and fancies. 

Because if change is not possible, then there's no point in trying. If change is not possible, then how have I changed? How have I adapted to public speaking when it used to terrify me to the point of illness? How have I figured out how to calm my overthinking brain? 

Whatever makes you, you, it isn't your bad habits. You can let them go, and still be yourself. In fact, by letting them go, you might find that you have more room to be yourself. 

Summer Cleaning

As I prepared to embark on a fly-out backpacking trip, I decided to do a little "spring" cleaning. It's late for spring cleaning, being already summer, and a particularly hot one at that. But I've got air conditioning, and, frankly, I have trouble staying warm when it runs. What better way to combat that than with a little hard scrubbing of the shower? 

Also, I try to rotate the mattress every 6 months. January and July are the months, so it was time, and I decided to launder the liner as well, which I don't do every sheet change. Well. I also don't change the sheets all that often. At any rate, everything's getting laundered. 

My main motivation to clean was that I wanted to come home to a relatively clean house instead of coming home to a mess. Somehow, that's more motivating for me than keeping the house clean on a day to day basis. Cleaning has never been a habit of mine. 

When I was growing up, we had a cleaning lady come in because my mom couldn't do everything. But we were supposed to have the house picked up by the time that lady arrived, so that she could do the big stuff, like mopping and scrubbing the bathrooms. If we didn't have it picked up adequately, she'd take our money and leave. 

Or maybe my mom would give it to her for her trouble in coming out to a house she couldn't clean. I know my mom would feel bad about not keeping the house up, but never bad enough to do it. I remember hearing that she was never a particularly neat person herself, even before her diagnosis with MS. That she was a bit of a slob as a teen. But aren't most teens slobs? 

I know I was. 

It took me a long time to figure out a better habit. To bend myself towards putting things away when I finished with them, throwing things away when I was done with them, and periodically doing a thorough cleaning. I like it when I get things clean, and when my stuff has a place where it belong. 

Maybe, someday, I'll have a more regular cleaning habit. Perhaps when I have a place that I own, I'll feel differently than I do about the places that I've rented. But I have no idea when I'll have the opportunity to purchase land, let alone a house. 

That's a question for future Jeanne. Present Jeanne is getting ready to spend some time bathing in the wilderness, breathing in the mountain air and feasting my eyes upon the wonders big and small that are to be found out there. 

Digestive Health Update

My body has decided to debut some new flavors of pain in the last couple weeks. Usually, I'll get some general gas pains, but I can mitigate them by taking GasX and, to an extent, by slowly rolling around to help the air get out. I've felt something close to this new pain before - when I had stitch-like pain it turned out to be a backup of diarrhea causing the pain. 

But the new pain is only a little like a stitch. It's more like a hot coal temporarily taking the place of an ovary. Or like a really hard pinch that is somehow coming from the inside. It comes and goes, occasionally coming hard enough to stagger me if I'm standing. 

It's annoying during the day, but really hard to deal with at night when I'm trying to sleep. During the day, I can stuff my brain full of distractions. If I'm supposed to be awake, I can push through it. But once I'm supposed to shut down and relax and STOP thinking, the pain takes center stage. 

I like to sleep on my stomach, half curled up, embracing a pillow and nuzzling my husband with my feet. I can sleep on my back or my sides if needed, but they aren't the favored positions. With this pain, a total of 0 of those positions alleviates the pain. Most positions aggravate the abdominal pain, but especially my favorite. So I've been relying on sleep aids, with mixed results. 

These new pains are also, probably, a poop baby. I've been trying to encourage that lump to flow through by drinking a LOT of water (seriously, I drank more than 1.5 GALLONS on Sunday). Usually, a liquid diet or just increased drinking helps my flow. And, since I'm also taking laxatives, the fact that I haven't cleared this is very weird to me. 

My body is very weird to me. 

I wish I understood it better. I wish I knew how to translate the sensations that it gives me. To know when the sensation means I need to rest and when it means I should push harder. When I should drink more water and when I should drink less. 

I have been paying a lot more attention to my body in recent years, trying to troubleshoot my digestive issues and get fit enough for my backpacking goals. And I have learned a lot, especially about some foods that are always bad for me (pineapple, red wine), and how my irregular period actually works. 

I suppose it's nice that there's more to learn. I do like learning. 

Now, if I can just learn how to clear up this current pain. . . 

Omelet Experiment

The last time I made omelets, I didn't have a meat handy. Sure, I could have cooked up some sausage, or maybe even tried experimenting with something like a sardine omelet, but I looked around the kitchen and made a different decision. 

On our kitchen counter, situated so that they can be grabbed while heading out the door, is a box of mini Slim Jims. I mostly don't eat those unless I'm out on a backpacking trip these days, but the first omelet of the morning isn't for me, it's for Ambrose. If I made mine first, I wouldn't want to make another until I'd eaten it! 

So I grabbed a Slim Jim, scored the outer layer and then peeled off the casing. Then I smooshed it up into little pieces. That was the base, but I wanted more. A quick trip to the fridge provided cream cheese and marinated garlic. I mixed up all three in a small bowl and then started on the eggs. 

I've figured out, through trial and error, that my best tactic is to melt the butter on medium heat (so it doesn't burn or brown), and then, when I'm ready to pour the eggs in, I turn the heat up just below the hottest setting and count to 20. THEN I pour in the eggs. The 20 count wait, I've found, makes it so the eggs don't stick to the pan very much at all. 

Once the eggs have been mostly cooked, I add the filling and then cover to allow it to finish cooking and for the heat to melt the cream cheese mix. 

After the omelet finished cooking, I roll it off the pan and onto the plate, then finish with a bit of the Slim Jim, cream cheese, and marinated garlic mix on top. At no point did I tell Ambrose what was in his omelet; I just gave it to him and waited for the reaction. 

Turns out, I make a fine Slim Jim omelet. 

Another Story, What?

It's interesting. The more I focus on writing this nonfiction book that's been percolating in my head for several months now, the more I find myself writing fiction. I mean, I'm not setting any records here, but it feels like it's been a long time since I last had a story demand to fall from my fingers quite like the one on Monday did. 

I'll be saving that story to submit to the next quarter of Writers of the Future. Unless I write more before June 30th. I guess that is a possibility. If that ends up being the case, then I'll decide which to submit at that point. 

I'm not entirely confident that this story mindset will last. Of course, by writing stories, I'm kind of avoiding writing the other book. Maybe that's what I need to do to motivate myself: have multiple projects and procrastinate them off each other. 

But it could also be that opening myself to writing that book is allowing me to be open to other stories floating through my brain. Though, to be fair, this last story felt more like the start of a book than a short story. Or maybe it's the short story prequel to a novel. It kind of feels like I've cracked open the edges of a world, and it's up to me whether I want to crank it open wide and really learn/define it. 

I think that reaching an understanding that I am not a visualizer has helped inform my writing. Helped me understand where I was missing things in my writing; missing that visual description because I don't find visual description to be that important when I read. I don't see the scenes in my head like a TV show, so why would I write in such a way that others would be able to create that? 

I like writing; it's one of the ways that I learn the world and process my own understanding, by creating stories or telling my real life stories or just musing about in a semi-philosophical way. I don't think that I'll ever stop writing, even if I decide to stop actively trying to sell my writing. I do hope that I can someday make a living off of my writing, but I'm not pursuing it strenuously. Slow and steady, keeping the day job, and maybe, with this next book project, doing some actual promotion. 

I will talk myself into this. 

Submitted Another Story

I wasn't sure what I was going to write for the 3rd quarter entry of Writers of the Future that I promised myself I'd do. I've tried to do writing goals before that were more aggressive, and while I can keep up a more aggressive pace, I have other things that I like to do. Plus a day job. So, I haven't been as focused on story creation. 

And, for some reason, I keep coming up with story ideas. And rather than letting them lie, because they're really weird, I've decided to try writing them without concern for how weird they might be. I can't say how good these stories are, but they're written. 

After all, there's no way to determine whether a story is good or not until it is written. When the voices in my head try to keep me from writing a story because it won't be any good, they are arguing from a false premise. A story isn't anything until its written (or told, I'm not knocking oral tradition here). 

Neither is a book. I've been percolating a book for several months now, and while I've written bits and pieces, I haven't really hammered at it. I go back and forth, thinking that it's a good idea and some people might appreciate it, and then thinking it's a stupid, privileged idea and some people might hate it. But the truth of the matter is, it's probably both of those things, and more. Even the most beloved books have 1 star reviews on Amazon, and, well, in order for people to hate it, they'd need to find out about it. So if people hate it, at least that means people know it. 

I'm going to get that book written. And I'm going to publish it. I might even - gasp - promote it, at least to my circles, small as they may be. Because I will not know until I write it how it will be received. If I want to find out - and I do - then I must buckle down and write it. 

Trouble in the Trees

Over the Memorial Day weekend, my husband and I went backpacking in the Sawtooths. Usually, when we hike out this way, we'll see wolf sign, or even wolves, but this time we only saw very old scat and not much of that. 

This led me to mention that I'd read that Idaho would be culling its wolf population from 1500 to 200, and we proceeded to speculate that the wolves must have fled deep into the wilderness to avoid the cull. I was thinking about a dramatized story from the wolves' point of view, about how the packs needed to retreat, but Ambrose took it another direction. He started making a song about it to the tune of Rush's "The Trees" - one of his favorite songs. 

He made some line suggestions, but I will admit I did not consciously retain them in memory. Instead, I let the concept simmer in my brain for a couple days before coming up with this: 

There is unrest in the forest
Stirring deep in Idaho
They say the wolves have grown too many
And so the wolves must go

The trouble to the people

(And they're quite convinced they're right)
Is that the wolves are just too vicious
And have ranchlands in their sight

But the wolves can't help their nature
And they like the way they're made
And they wonder why the ranchers
Can't just build a better stockade

There is trouble in the forest
Since the wolves are marked to die
No creatures can scream oppression
When good folk turns a blind eye

There will be no union
To protect the rights of wolf
We cannot change their nature
And the ranchers have had enough

Now we'll see wolf suppression
All due to human flaw
And the wolves, they will be slaughtered
By poison, gun and law

Presenting

I was recently tasked with a short presentation at my workplace. The deal would be informing three groups, in succession, on a topic that I am the most well-versed in of those in our office. I would not, yet, call myself well-versed in the topic, because we are early in the stages of this particular project. But I believe I will get there, and I did feel confident that I could do this task. 

And yet. 

I don't like presenting in groups, even small ones. It's not something that I seek out or particularly enjoy. I've done it enough by this point in my life that I am accustomed to doing it, and I can do it. I even consider that I can do it at a minimum level of competence. But it's still a bit of a stress, and an unknown. 

So I was glad to be able to fall asleep the night before without any issues. I had prepared remarks, and a handout, and I was as ready as I was going to be. And it ended up going just fine. It was strange to have to turn my head to establish eye contact with each audience member. The room was a little loud, because there were three other groups doing the same thing (some of them quite a bit louder than others). But I managed to get through the whole thing without swearing, and I rolled with the questions that I got, and took notes when points were brought up that I didn't know the answer to so I could follow up. 

I was surprised by the quality of questions that I got; I might have to volunteer myself to do this more often so I can get ideas from all around the office instead of just in my subsection. And I was pleased that I didn't have any nervous blushes strike. I managed to keep my emotional investment casual and I'm happy at that. 

I wonder if the months of conducting business over Zoom has influenced how I feel about presenting. It seems like Zoom is more like presenting than conversing, so you have to always be ready to be the center of attention. One person at a time. And the other piece is that I have practiced "presenting" on Zoom so much in the last 14 months. I've become inured to the whole process. Vaccinated, one might say. 

Applesauce

I've been using applesauce as a part of my low fiber diet for a while now. They've supplanted bananas as my go-to fruit. I can eat fresh apples, but only if I peel them, which is more of an investment than I usually want to make to eat a single apple. 

But when I visited my brother, he offered me a revelation! 

I can make my own applesauce. He demonstrated for me (twice) while I was there, and that applesauce was the most delicious I could remember eating. I was inspired to make my own once I got home. 

That inspiration was a bit delayed by my being sick upon arriving home, but when Ambrose and I made it out to Old Fashioned Fruit & Veg, I picked up 4 apples (2 gala and 2 cosmic crisp). While my brother, who is a chef (executive chef, technically), peeled his apples with a knife, I went with the veg peeler. It worked for my needs (and allowed me to peel while sitting on the couch instead of standing at the counter). 

When I was young, we had some family friends who would put on an apple themed fundraiser every fall, and one of the games was trying to peel an entire apple without the strip breaking. I was horrible at it. But Ambrose finally got the proper method to stick in my brain, and I'm getting much closer to peeling a whole apple in one strip. 

So, you peel the apples, chop them up, put them in a pot and start cooking at medium-ish heat. Salt is optional, sugar (if you're crazy because apples are so sweet naturally), cinnamon... I've been thinking about getting some ginger and letting it cook with the apples. Once the apples are cooked, let them cool a bit and then into the blender! I read online that one can also use a potato smasher, but I like the blender better for applesauce. You can choose your texture that way. 

My first batch was a bit on the sweet side, and ran out too soon, so for batch 2 I went with 6 apples (2 cosmic crisp, 2 honey crisp, 2 granny smith). From this batch, I've learned that a little granny smith goes a long way, and I need to be a little less heavy handed with the cinnamon. It's delicious, and tastes like apple pie filling, but I want it to be a little less pie-like. 

So... I'm having a lot of fun so far experimenting with my applesauce stylings, and I plan to continue. 

Batch 1

Oh, Cats

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I wanted to get a dog. By this point, I'd had a pet rat. And I think my brother and I briefly had a goldfish. But I wanted an animal who would be a companion. A pet to pet and cuddle with. A dog!

My dad offered a compromise. We could get a cat. 

I didn't see this as a good deal, but I agreed. We got ourselves a cat. 

And we discovered that I am allergic to cats. Very allergic. Living with a cat gave me exercise induced asthma, and I would also get an asthma attack whenever I cleaned the litter box. Since our original deal had been that I would need to clean the litter box or we would send the cat back, I told my dad that we had to send the cat back, because I could not clean out the litter box. 

My goal was to send the cat back so I could regain my ability to breathe without huffing an inhaler. 

I was thwarted, because my dad had already fallen in love with the cat. And Topaz was not a nice kitty either. He showed affection my making you bleed. 

So I've avoided cats for most of my adult life, much to the chagrin of my friends who own cats. But when I went to visit my family recently, I was on allergy meds and decided to see how it went. Both my brother's cat and my dad's current cat acted like I smelled like fish and basically just demanded my attention and affection. 

And I went with the flow, and I petted the cats, especially my dad's cat, Coco. It's maybe a little silly, but she was my mom's cat, too, and I felt like I was coming to peace with her death when Coco would hop up on my lap and literally snuggle up on me. Such a lovey kitty!

I pet those cats, and I played with those cats. It was fine! I got a little bit of a cough, but no symptoms otherwise. Until I got home. 

The day after I got home, I was punished for my brief kitty lifestyle with a sinus infection that I am only starting to get over now I've been home for over a week. 

I think, next time, I might bring nasal saline flush with me. Perhaps if I give my sinuses a nice bath every day, they won't get stuffed with cat dander and decide to pick up an infection on the flight home. 

Because there will be a next time. Sinus infections suck, and I won't risk them by owning a cat of my own. But I have friends and family with cats, and I'd like to figure out how to visit them without asking that the cats be locked away or threatening said cats with water should they approach me. 

Coco on my lap.

Yasha on my lap.

Endo?

I am absolutely terrified to try and push for a diagnosis of endometriosis. Because the only way to diagnose that disorder is via surgery, which is both expensive and physically risky. But more than that, after doing multiple procedures to rule out a gastro issue, I'm scared to do something else that will result in the doctors, once again, giving me that look and telling me there's nothing wrong with me. 

In theory, an endometriosis test that isn't surgery may be coming soon. But it's been coming soon for years now, and I don't want to wait and keep trying to treat IBS when that might not be the issue that actually needs treating. 

I've been hesitant to try the food tolerance tests that I see advertised, because the research I've done on them indicates that they are no better than guessing when it comes to determining which foods to eat and which to avoid. But I recently made a connection with a doctor who has an MD and it a naturopath, so I'm going to try one more time to pin down a digestive issue. 

At least that way I'll be doing something. 

And who knows? Maybe there is something going on that can be addressed via vitamins or eliminating specific foods. IBS is a differential diagnosis, after all. That means that the symptoms fit IBS, and there are no diagnostic indicators for anything else. But it could be something else, and that bugs me. 

Traveling

I've been very focused at work the last few work days. I am taking some time off, and I wanted to make sure a couple of projects that I'd started last week got finished before I left. Sure, I'll only be gone a week, but I can't go live with a new process the literal day before I leave. That would be totally rude to my team, because if I forgot some step, then they will have to deal with the fallout without me there to let them know I just forgot to cross the t or something simple like that. 

My team is capable of handling the normal day to day when I'm out. I mean, I take vacations every summer, so I know they've got it. I might be freaking out a bit because I'm nervous about taking a flight. It was almost this time last year exactly that I was going to be headed to a conference for work, and then swinging by my childhood hometown to visit family. 

Covid, of course, changed all that. There was no conference, and I certainly wasn't going to fly anywhere. 

I don't really like flying in general, because of the people. Give me an open wilderness over an enclosed metal tube any day. Most people are fine, I'm sure, but there are many who wear strong perfumes and that irritates me. Or they want to talk to me when I've got my headphones on in a clear signal of "introvert trying to pretend they are not stuck in a metal tube with strangers." Or they are crying babies. 

Actually, no, I'm okay with crying babies. They are irritating, but they can't help it. Not like those bros who douse themselves in Ax body spray before getting into an enclosed metal tube! Though, to be fair, at least they showered? I once had to sit next to a guy who clearly had NOT showered for quite some time, and it was pretty unpleasant. I know that I stink after a backpacking trip, and I would never get on a commercial flight without some attempt at washing first. 

In fact, that fits in with my plan to backpack Hawai'i someday - fly in, stay a night at a hostel, backpack a week, then another night at a hostel for showering before flying home. I've heard there are no mosquitos there, and I like that! 

Usually, when I go on a trip, I have a plan. An itinerary. Goals for the day and events to attend. This time, I have no plan. Except for staying with my brother, that was planned. But other than that, and a dance recital on Friday night, I have no idea what I'll be doing with myself for a whole week. It's a little unnerving for me. After all, I did get the trail name Task Master for a reason - I am all about the plan! 

It will be good for me to just go with the flow. I managed to avoid overthinking about what-ifs for the trip - most likely because I was so focused on wrapping up those few things at work. It's a good thing my job keeps me from getting bored.

The Pot Speaketh

The other day my husband told me that I could sometimes be a bit convoluted in my communications, leading to less clarity and sometimes confusion. He was about to really get into how I do that, but I cut him off with a laugh. I laughed, because he was absolutely the pot calling the kettle. 

This is a man who will spend 40 minutes telling you five different stories to explain one off-hand remark, and you will not realize, at first, that he is doing this, because story number 1 has NOTHING to do with what he said. If that's not convoluted, then I don't know the meaning of the word. 

And I absolutely do know the meaning of that word, as someone who recently 'won' an argument by pointing out that I properly used the subjunctive. 

The incident made me think about my writing, and whether I need to keep an eye out for convoluted phrasing or confusing word usage. And I think that I do keep an eye out for those, but that isn't all that I need to do. If my thoughts naturally organize into something more convoluted than typical, then I need to think about bigger picture organization and making that more clear in my writing. 

I consider myself a 'rule-follower'. I have learned the rules of the English language (many of them, at least), and I enjoy using that knowledge. Using the language to the greatest extent that I can. That's all well and good for an essay, or perhaps literary fiction, but if I want to tell a story? I need to put clarity over cleverness. 

Even if it means no longer using the subjunctive to win arguments. I can always find another winning tactic. . . 

IBS Update

Well, I've been using laxatives for a couple weeks now. I have tried four different kinds so far. I want to try and avoid the stimulant kind, because that tends to be more painful in the gut, so after an initial stimulant I went to stool softeners. These worked, kind of, but it felt like after a few days they didn't give the same results. It seems weird that my body would adapt to them so quickly, so I figured that just means I should try a different one. 

The next trial is an osmotic type, which is easier to consume, in a way, because it's a powder that dissolves in any liquid rather than a pill. But I really need to take it with something flavored, because taking it with plain water made me feel like I was drinking plastic, and it was hard to finish. 

The first few days went well, but, again, it feels like they are losing efficacy in a very short period of time. I don't do well with fiber due to mild gastroparesis, but I'm thinking that I might try very small doses of psyllium fiber with plenty of liquid. When I was first diagnosed with IBS, I took psyllium regularly, but I stopped after the gastroparesis diagnosis. 

Even though I haven't fine-tuned my laxative use as of yet, I'm feeling a lot better in general. The simplified diet seems to be doing me very well - and it's helping my husband lose weight also. I'm not really looking to lose weight at this point; I'm focused on fixing the gut and preparing for summer backpacking season more than on weight loss right now. 

It's been interesting doing twice daily measurements of my tummy. I started doing it as a way to track my bloat, and possibly confirm when my physical sensations are actually telling me about bloat, rather than different kinds of pain. In the past, I'd be pretty sensitive to my waist measurements and freak out about them going up. Now, I'm just observing, and not putting any meaning into the numbers. After all, my pants fit either well or loosely at the moment. 

The hard part about the simplified diet is staying the course. And I'm going on a trip soon, during which I may have little control over what I eat. I will be bringing some snacking food, not partaking of alcohol, and avoiding serious trigger foods at least, if not strictly adhering to the simplified diet. 

Once I get back, I am prepared to have to do some resets - I anticipate my sleep schedule and diet will both be out of whack. So, I'll wait to try the fiber experiment until after I get back. 

Sometimes, I wish I could be more rigorous in my self-experimentation, but alas, I live in the real world, not a lab. 

Best. Omelet. Yet.

Last Sunday I prepared an omelet for my husband that was so delicious the first thing he told me after taking a bite was: "I'd pay for this. I would pay money for this omelet." 

Now, I've been making omelets for my husband for a while now, and I haven't before received that level of praise for one. I'm going to bet here that a good part of it is that I catered to his tastes by using mushrooms. Although, I have cooked mushroom omelets before and not gotten that compliment - even with morels that we gathered ourselves!

This omelet may also have benefited from a change of eggs. We recently started buying local "backyard" eggs. They vary quite a bit in size, but seem more vibrant in color and flavor. I don't love them very much for my boiled eggs, because they don't peel very well, but in omelets, they do very well. 

In fact, the omelet I made had almost all the ingredients coming from the same place - Old Fashioned Fruit and Veg on Broadway. The eggs came from there, as well as the smoked mozzarella-style cheese, and, the star ingredient, marinated mushrooms. It was just the butter that did not come from there. 

And the omelet pan, of course. 

My idea was to make a mushroom pizza omelet, and I started by dicing up some marinated mushrooms - reserving a few slices for the garnish. I also shredded some of the cheese, because my style of omelet cooking requires everything is prepped beforehand. Ambrose suggested I let the mushrooms sit on paper towels so that they wouldn't be soggy and ruin the omelet. 

Mushrooms getting dry and cheese, ready to go.

I prep the eggs by giving them a whirl in the Ninja blender with a dash of salt and potassium salt. The omelet pan gets a pat of butter and medium heat until it melts. Then, and I only discovered this recently, when I'm ready to start cooking, raise the temp to high and wait about 20 seconds - then add the eggs. Allowing the pan more time to heat really impacts how much egg ends up sticking in the pan after. 

Once the eggs are cooked, time for the filling! 

Filling? Perhaps, in this case, I mean toppings. 

I cover the omelet pan with a pot top to allow the residual heat from the turned off burner to melt the cheese. 

Nice and melty!

Then it's time to roll the omelet up and slide it out of the pan and onto the plate. This one rolled really nicely. Then some more cheese, the garnish mushroom slices, and a hit with the torch to melt the cheese just right. 

The cheese looks like it should be on a pizza! 

So I've set a new bar for omelets. 

Challenge accepted!